I don’t usually use that word but sometimes it is fitting. Seriously I sucked as a mom today. I failed at everything when it came to my kids. Sure, I helped them with that math problem and listened to another story about some funny video they saw on YouTube.
But I didn’t really listen. I listened with eyes glazed over and endless thoughts of, “Just stop talking!” screaming in my head.
I just wanted away. I wanted to run and hide and scream and cry. But I sat there with that lousy half smile on my face just willing them to find something else to do.
I wanted to take a shower, I wanted to be a person again. A person with hopes and dreams and interesting conversations. I wanted something more than this broken down old house that is always needing repairs. I wanted to breathe and not have to deal with one more obligation. Or one more meal. I wanted to just be.
So I sucked. I was selfish and uncaring. I pretended to be interested in what I was planning for dinner. I pretended to care that I had to wash my son’s soccer uniform for the millionth time. I pretended to care that the house needed picked up. But I didn’t really care.
Some days I feel like I’m not there anymore. Like this really can’t be my life. I cry to God and ask him what happened. How did I end up here?
Then I hear it. My son laughing his infectious laugh that sounds like angels singing. I hear his brother chime in and I feel like I have just witnessed two very different worlds combine to create glorious music. They are beautiful gifts and I’m over here sucking.
Why am I choosing to be overwhelmed? Why am I dreading spending time with my kids? What is wrong with me? And then I realize I was just sucking today as a Mom. But that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or a bad mom. It means I’m human with human instincts and reactions. It means that my wisdom tooth pain and lack of sleep caught up to me.
So I stop and I thank God for my blessings and vow to try harder to get more sleep and take care of myself so I can stop sucking. So I can be the mom I’m meant to be. Even if all I do today is feed my boys and tell them I love them. It’s good enough. I’m good enough. My life is good enough.
Sometimes I have to remember how it looks for the rain to fall when the sun is shining. The tears are there but life is still beautiful. Sometimes it takes tears to wash away the dirt and allow the smiles to shine.
My boys understand that I’m human. They understand I have emotions and can’t always be happy. And you know what? They love me anyway.